Been busy with Angel Tree, the most full time thing I've done for a long time. Seeing God working in miraculous ways. Indeed, God's work, done God's way, never lack God's supply. I have seen churches coming to take up more and more families to visit. Donations are coming in nicely.
Then why do I feel such a failure. Yes I do.... All the time. I was told God will use this work to bring me to great heights, yes I have to work, but that's ok. I have to change, that's ok too. whatever makes Him happy. But some how I am feeling very vulnerable, very out of control... as in... everything is falling apart and I can do nothing to salvage, to repair...
My daughters are.... very far away from me. No. 1 holds onto her phone to ask what I wanted to speak to her about.... I actually came to her room to wanna chat, to touch base. I reacted badly... I felt so rejected, so.... "left-over".
Now I have a slight inkling of what God feels when we have no time for Him, for Quiet Time, for a quick prayer.
I sense a wall building up between us, she and i. and it hurts. she doesn't need me anymore... worse, she doesn't want me anymore. so long as i am able to pay for her expenses, her phone bills, let her use the computer, dun nag her, it's ok...
She goes into her room as we return home. stays in that room for best part of the day... coming out only to eat, oh.... and to take the cordless into her room, until the bat dies and she has to return it to the cradle to recharge.
sometimes she sleeps without coming out to say goodnight. sometimes i get mad cuz she's all holed up in her room and she could have tidied up the house, the room, put things away in the kitchen... sometimes she argues with her younger sis because No. 2 nags... sometimes she's totally oblivious to our existence.... sometimes i have to remind her about her dignity, as a girl, as a young woman a princess in God's kingdom but i can tell she's blanked over as soon the topic involved allowing boys, any boys into the bedroom.
"eweoooooooo... there she goes again.... nag nag nag... I need help, get me out... can't wait till i grow up and have my own place to live and i can get my mom outta my hair"
I could see it written all over her face.... she'd shut up and not talk to me... punishment forme, interfering with her life..
man... things happen in rooms, half-closed doors... "i trust people, it's the devil inside that i dun trust" (from the movie - The Italian Job) some sense there.
the devil doesn't need to be dragged in on this one. just a simple desire to express one's love will lead to a whole realm of temptations.
i know, trust me... i've been there. so why allow for opportunities like that to 'train' ourselves to resist temptations? Flee from it! (sigh!)
suddenly she's able to contact daddy and be going out with him more often
yeah, guess it's better that way. she needs the space.
No. 2 has her mysterious giggles and laughs. won't share the joke, like she's holding out on me or sth. she's been chatting on line a lot more.... sometimes sharing with me about what Jie did to her, most of the time, when it comes to that, No. 2 doesn't say much, for fear that her sis calls her a snitch. she loves her sister, and tries to accept new members into the extending family. but jie just saw her as a waste of space, and is nice to her if she is nice to the boyfriend.
understandable i guess, but conditional nonetheless.
No. 2 has been helping with angel tree, so did jie and boyfriend actually, appreciate their help. No. 2 has been coming to the office to help typing in data too, so i guess household chores should be excused?
but.... what was she giggling about last night that she won't tell me?
Name: charisMA Home: Singapore About Me: Mom of 2 amazing n different girls. Love to sing, act n help people, even if it's just with a smile. See my complete profile Earworm:
